The Beginning

I wish the story of how I finally cracked could be described in one large, life changing event. Unfortunately for you readers, if you exist, and for myself, this story of how I cracked is a story of stages. For the purposes of this blog, I will lay out these stages right here and now to set the stage for everything else to follow.  My name is Brooke. I think I may have been normal once, but I certainly don’t resemble such a statement anymore. While I believe my whole life contributed to making me what I am today, this past year has cracked me. Like, totally cracked. My dad actually said to my mother the other day (in front of me, I might add!), “There really is no hope for her…” But how rude of me, you have no idea what I’m talking about. Let’s just say that one year ago, I was living in Ireland with my boyfriend convinced that I was going to take my career (nursing) and amp up so I could maybe go to med school to become a doctor. Today, I am very single, living back at home with my parents (in Canada), am quitting my nursing job so I can go back to school to become an environmental scientist, and slowly making the transition to a vegan diet. Pretty dramatic. No wonder my parents are a bit confused. So in order to set the record straight, I’m starting at the beginning of the year.

Stage One: Your boyfriend, who you’re madly in love with, dumps you.
Now admittedly, the relationship between my ex and I was always a bit rocky. When we weren’t all over each other and the best of friends, we were fighting about something. Through a series of circumstances, we ended up living together much earlier on in our relationship that would have been ideal. We both handled it well, at least initially, making the best of everything. I believe we both even liked it for the most part. When I had a day off that he worked, I’d play “housewife” in my head and put away his shirts and tidy up. He would rant to me about his day and his projects at work and I would be sympathetic. We were best friends most of the time, so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me to fall harder in love with him than I knew was possible. But the thing about my ex that you must understand is that he was very spoiled. He was very used to having everything his own way and never having to share or compromise. So this living together arrangement was difficult for him, which in turn made it difficult for me. So things were rocky, but when he finally told me that he wasn’t interested in trying to maintain our relationship long-distance when my visa expired, I was devastated. This man I was sure I was going to marry was telling me that I wasn’t worth the effort. Ouch. Enter huge crack in my foundation. I’ve heard it said that it is through the cracks in our lives that the light comes in, but I was far from seeing it. So my visa expired, we said our farewells, and I was off home to Canada. Single. Heart-broken.

Stage Two: After months of trying to make the best of your job and your life, you admit you can’t handle the depression you’re in and flee back to Ireland for 10 days and discover something about yourself.

I’d gotten a job quickly upon returning home to Canada as a nurse in a pediatric hospital. As far as nursing goes, you can’t get a better job than the one I have. Sure you deal with sick kids and that’s sad, but you also get to help them get better and snuggle them and send them home with their families at the end of the day. That’s pretty nice. I realize now that I was so dazed from the end of my relationship that I made my job my persona. “I am a nurse at the Children’s Hospital”. This became my life. If I wasn’t completely happy doing such an incredible job, then what kind of person was I? A person it denial, it seems. So I continued to plug away at my job, denying myself the reality that for some reason I couldn’t quite figure, that I was far from happy. In terms of life, I’d tried dating here and there, even had a fling that lasted a month or so, but ultimately I ended up alone and still reeling from a broken heart. Ahh… the drama! Little by little, the cracks started to open up and it became more and more obvious that I wasn’t handling my depression well. My family was starting to worry and I didn’t know what to tell them. So true to my nature, I planned an impulsive and spontaneous trip back to Ireland for a few days to take some time out and take care of myself. I had no idea what I was in for. My trip was amazing. I was grounded, the relaxed pace gave me time to reflect upon what things truly made me happy and I made a life altering discovery. The two things that gave me the most pleasure, that filled voids I swear I could actually feel inside of me, were music and the sea. Whenever I was listening to music or sitting on the beach staring out into the ocean I was filled with this warm calm that brought a peace I hadn’t felt in as long as I could remember. I returned to Canada with an image in my head of what I wanted my life to look like: playing fiddle by the sea. I also brought home an instrument of my own that I had no idea how to play but loved more than any of my other possessions.

 

Stage Three: You admit that there are many reasons why you aren’t suited to your brilliant job and that what you really want to do is save the oceans.

Wow. Save the oceans? Isn’t that a little ambitious? Yeah, it really is, but somebody has to do it. I can’t quite describe how this realization came to me, as it was very sneaky. Regardless of how, the thought occurred to me that I was meant for the sea. My first memory of life was when I was two years old seeing a dolphin for the first time. I’ve always been a swimmer, drawn to the water and terribly out of place growing up on the prairies. My deepest love has always been for the ocean. The waves, the creatures, this pulsing energy filled to the brim with life we barely understand. So yeah, great! But admitting that you’re not loving taking care of sick kids? What kind of monster AM I? It took a while to figure out exactly which parts of my job didn’t suit me. I could go on a huge rant about all the things I don’t like about my job, but I’ll summarize the key points:

1)      The crazy hours. Like to start at 7am or work all through the night? Like to switch your schedule back and forth so you don’t even know what day it is? Like to miss out on life because your work schedule has suddenly started to dictate your life schedule? I don’t.

2)      Being sick ALL THE TIME. As a pediatric nurse, you are healthy for your days working but sick for your days off. My immune system is shit. ‘Nough said.

3)      Being so crazy running around being a vital-signs-taking, med-giving machine that you don’t have time most days to build the kind of relationships with patients and their families that do the most healing.

So I finally admitted to myself, my family, and my closest friends that I was planning on making some changes. I wasn’t happy and ultimately that’s what I wanted to be.

 

Stage Four: You wake up one morning realizing that somewhere along the way, you lost control of your body and you’re 170lbs.

I’m a 5’4” female. Sure, I’ve got a fairly muscular build, but 170lbs still really isn’t a good look for me. Not being sure where you lost control of yourself is a scary feeling. Was it working night shifts? Eating dairy, which I know is stupid since I’m lactose intolerant? Have I been emotional eating and not realizing it? It’s pretty depressing to step on the scale and see a number you know is not right for your body or your life. So I started dedicating great amounts of time and energy on taking care of my body, and it’s taught me some valuable lessons. Mainly: that I’m worth the time and effort. That nobody is going to take care of me and love me if I don’t do the same things for myself. Cheesy? Sure it is. True though. It’s been a slow and steady process so far, but I’ve lost some weight, toned up a bit, and worked on my cardio. I went from working out on my days off (if I had the energy for it) to working out 6 days a week. Currently, I’m addicted to Zumba which I do with my wii.

 

Stage Five: You watch the movie “Whip it” and rediscover your inner rebel and realize your ex-boyfriend you were so much in love with was actually a giant twat who didn’t love the person you really are.

Wait a sec! Whip it? The movie about roller derby? Yeah, I must admit, it’s pretty strange. I can’t quite explain the dramatic affect it had on me. I’m sure I didn’t realize just then that my ex wanted me to be someone that I’m not, but rather it helped me come to terms with the fact that I actually like the person I am and that I should start being her more often. Also, that if someone came into my life and didn’t like that person, they could fuck right off. So long overdue, here is an Ode to My Ex:

So you don’t like tattoos?

Oh you don’t mind mine but certainly wouldn’t want me to get anymore.

What if I like them? Fuck you.

Oh I don’t dress like your best friends girlfriends?

“You’re wearing THAT?”

Yeah, I’m wearing that. Why? Because I don’t want to be

A fake tan wearing, mini-skirt sporting, bitchy fake.

I’m not about to change my attitude and my spirit

Because your friend’s sister’s friend doesn’t understand that the

Encouragement I offered wasn’t actually me insulting her.

Guess what? I like sex, and don’t make me feel bad

About wanting it more than once a month!

I’m not going to shut my mouth.

I’m not going to be the person you want me to be.

Because the girl I am, rocks!

She’s brave and she’s clever.

She’s sexy and fun.

She’s loyal and loving.

And you don’t deserve her.

 

Stage Six: You watch a documentary about veganism called “Vegucated” and realize the huge implications of our diets on the environment.

I’ve basically been on the move to a plant based diet since I was nine. In baby stages, of course, but all my life I feel like I’ve been moving in this direction anyways. When I was nine, I got a piece of bone in my hamburger. EEEEWWW!!! This was pretty alarming to me and had a fairly large impact on the way I think about meat. So shortly thereafter, I cut beef and pork completely from my diet. I was quite young, but it stuck and since my family wasn’t going to cook a separate meal for me every time they ate these meats, I started to learn to cook pretty young too. I went along in this way for a long time, but then about nearly two years back, I discovered that I’m lactose intolerant. So then came me phasing (mostly) out dairy products. Now I’m a sucker for cheese and yogurt, so I’ve been very off and on with dairy even though it gives me grief. Mostly though, I’m dairy-free. I’ve also experimented with veganism for week-long stints calling it a “week-long cleanse” where I eat vegan whole foods and cut out all the sugar and salt. I felt amazing on it! I had so much energy, lost a bit of weight without ever feeling hungry… I was shocked. It made me realize that I should eat vegan more often. So I was well on the road to veganism before this documentary pushed me over the edge. So I go ahead and watch it, and aside from it being funny and interesting, it also teaches me about the environmental reasons why to eat a plant based diet. Being a hippy in training, this is a big deal for me. Did you know that 70% of what was the Amazonian rainforest was cut down for cattle grazing? Did you know that there is more carbon dioxide released into the atmosphere from the livestock industry than from the ENTIRE TRANSPORTATION INDUSTRY? Yeah, so if you really want to save the plant, you’re probably better off giving up meat than your car.  Then just when I’m getting totally jazzed about veganism for the planet, they teach me about how commercial farming treats these animals every single day. I’m not going into detail; because this blog entry is already long enough and I think you should watch the documentary for yourself, but let me just say that I’m a pediatric nurse, okay? It takes a lot to make me cry… and I sat watching this documentary sobbing uncontrollably. Like, eyes swollen, snot running down your face, can’t catch your breath SOBBING. And then just when I thought I’d got myself under control, I called my mother to tell her about the documentary, only to start sobbing again! This documentary was the final push that took me from “eating vegan most of the time” to wanting to eat vegan almost all of the time. Powerful stuff!

 

 

So that pretty much takes us right up until now. I’m eating vegan about 85% of the time and continuing the transition. I’m starting to upgrade some of my high school classes in just over a week so that my grades are competitive for applying to University.  I’m a crazy, exercising machine who is loving zumba for wii and all sorts of other fun workouts. I’m single and for once don’t seem to mind. I’ve got back my sense of fun and my sense of self. And I’m the black sheep of the world (or at least my family) for being such an eco-nut, but I really don’t mind.

 

So now, Brooke, why a blog?

Well, a blog for a couple of reasons, which I’m going to put in point form because I’m getting lazy.

1)      I’d like to have a chronicle of sorts to remember this journey by. I have no idea where I’m going to be or what I’m going to be doing five or ten years from now, so when I get there, it’d be nice to have a history of how I got there.

2)      When I get going on something (zumba, veganism, the environment) I never shut up about it. I’m the ultimate obsesser. My poor family is just about sick of listening to me talk about vegan food and how excited I am but I’m not going to stop obsessing anytime soon so I need an outlet. Voila, blog!

3)      I’m basically going to be making myself into the human vegan guiney-pig (did that make any sense?) I’m new to a lot of this vegan stuff, so I’m going to be experimenting with vegan cheeses (which ones actually taste good, if any?), meat alternatives, vegetables I certainly did NOT grow up with as a kid, you know, that kind of stuff. And on the off chance there’s someone like me out there who also wants to know which vegan cheeses are any good, they can get a really honest review right here.

4)      The one thing I love about the vegan world is the sense of community. I was on a vegan website the other day where recipes are posted and vegans chat about stuff and saw a 291 post long thread talking about vegan poo! No joke. I have found my people! I love the idea of finding people who are passionate like I am and willing to talk about it, which is why I want to talk about it. I hope that vegans, or anyone for that matter going through a transition in their lives can read my blog and know that at least there’s someone out there crazier than themselves!

 

So that about sums up my first blog entry, and boy is it a doozy! Don’t worry, the rest won’t be this long as I’m really a busy person who doesn’t have time to do this sort of shenanigans more than once. But here’s my story and where I’m at which explains a lot, I’m sure, about what’s to follow. Hope I didn’t bore you to death if you managed to get this far!

 

Happy eating!